Day 4 (Thursday, 11-11-2010)

..the fog is beginning to thicken ever more around and inside me..

so..here's my understanding of how chemo works:

The healthy cells in my body are well-rounded little guys and gals. They have the ability to divide and create new cells and (most important) they have the ability to repair damage right down to the dna level.

The cancer cells also have the ability to divide, but this attribute runs amok. The cancer cells divide so rapidly that they create masses of themselves, feeding on the bodies resources and interfering with the normal processes of maintaining life. They literally suck the life out of you.

Achilles heel:

Cancer cells suck at repairing damage.

Here comes the "kill the cancer" part..

The cocktail of drugs used in a chemo infusion is designed to disrupt and damage the dna in such a way that the affected cell is no longer capable of division (reproduction). Since cell life is finite; the cancer cells die without reproducing.

Now here's the zinger: The dna disruption is systemic in the body. Yuppor, all the cells in my body are damaged each time I have an infusion. The healthy cells gradually repair and resume normal functions as the cancer cells die off.

All this microscopic stuff translates into a body in chaos. A machine whose parts are at odds with themselves and whose most basic particles are somewhat confused about their function.

The bone marrow produces blood cells. The white blood cells in our bodies have a life span of 72 hours.
The chemo damages the white blood cells so that they are incapable of reproduction.....
Without white blood cells, my body has no way to protect against germs, bacteria, virus........

Which brings me to Thursday

today is centered around a shot of Neulasta....this is a drug that stimulates production of white blood cells..

..so now these cells are receiving two diametrically opposite instructions:

1~STOP ALL CELL DIVISION AND PRODUCTION OF NEW CELLS.

2~EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! QUICK, DIVIDE, DIVIDE....

Meanwhile, every other cell in my body is in repair mode, even while being attacked by the drugs..

........my body is so busy on the cell-level, that it hasn't much left over for things like consciousness or energy or......

The systemic confusion is evidenced by every sense organ sending messages that my brain doesn't recognize.....food is no longer familiar in taste or texture....cold things burn...hot things are too hot...sweet things can make my mouth pucker...or not...





the Neulasta injection must be timed to be administered between 20 to 24 hours after the pump was removed...(it's all about the 72 hour thing).

Ahh.. here's David at 4:30....

"wake up love"....."I'm so sorry, but it's time for your shot".....