dancing on the head of a pin...

....been a bit since my last post..

that's 'cause I am pretty much incapacitated once the chemo kicks in..

..not like I wasn't warned..:"the side-effects are cumulative"..(very important thing for me to keep in mind as I head towards my ninth infusion...)

..it's so hard to be conscious and coherent..i mean, conscious is natural, and sadly, unavoidable at times when I don't want to be... (and when I say conscious, I mean awake)

...coherency involves so much more....

..the days slip by as weeks and I have no energy to move..my thoughts are a mantra of "death to cancer"..

..when I climb stairs, I am out of breath and "done in" by the time i reach the top.... even as I crawl up on all fours step by step, my energy is draining out of me as if i had a leak somewhere that was getting larger and larger.. my slim supply of energy pouring out of me..

the haunting question every moment is this: "Is this the cancer progressing?"..... or: "is this the cumulative destructive effect of the chemo?"

....David and I hope and pray that this is side-effect-chemo stuff........

..this chemo regimen is new as of July of this year... I am a willing and eager guinea pig for this, the most aggressive chemotherapy in existence .... kill the f'ing cancer please! I'll do the time....just please work!

tomorrow is CT scan day...lungs and abdomen..

..my doc thinks I may have some blood clots in my lungs, and that's part of the shortness of breath..

..not to worry, pretty common event in the world of pancreatic cancer and a shot can clear it up...

Monday night was tough..

..preparing for bed and..while in the bathroom fell backwards into the bathtub..

..i was just standing in front of the sink and as I turned, back I went...

ended up sideways in the tub and conked the back of my head on the lip of the tub..

didn't hurt so much, but scared the hell out of david (who came running when he heard the ruckus..)

yesterday David took me in to see Emily our NP oncologist...he thought I might be anemic again, as I was having a hard time sitting up (or moving much at all)..

in to MGH in the morning.. give up more blood to be tested...

..looks like an intestinal virus is coursing through my guts and making a bad situation worse...(today is much better, by the way)

..so..home we came and within the hour, a phone call from Emily to head back to the MGH emergency room..

seems my platelet count (the little guys responsible for clotting one's blood) is really low and they want me to have my head scanned...

..this is not someplace you want to spend any time..

..five hours later we finally get back home to needy wiener dogs and aloof kitties and a late snack for dinner and (best of all)......bed.

I am Gail...the same  person who could swing a 110 pound kettle bell in June....

David says I am the strongest person he has ever known..

I will not ever give up...

..just get a little tired sometimes...that's all..